Within the Clasp of Our Arms

My friend pointed me to a thought-provoking talk by Elder Holland from many years ago.  He gave it in general conference while he was president of BYU and told a story about a time when he was too hard on his five-year-old and lost his temper.  He subsequently had a powerful dream that night teaching him that he had expected far too much of his little boy.  At the end of the story he quoted President Joseph F. Smith who apparently gave this counsel to fathers: “Brethren, … If you will keep your [children] close to your heart, within the clasp of your arms; if you will make them … feel that you love them… and keep them near to you, they will not go very far from you, and they will not commit any very great sin.  But it is when you turn them out of the home, turn them out of your affection … that [is what] drives them from you.…  Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove … that you do love them by your every word and act to[ward] them.”  What a powerful promise and principle, and how short of that do I fall as I so often expect far too much of my little ones.  In my heart I know that it is love that they need more than anything, and yet I still sometimes let myself withhold that affection when they disobey or do something wrong. 

                After reading this talk I read the passage in Mark 10:13-16 about the Savior’s interaction with children that I think teaches us so much: “And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.  Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.  And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.”  The phrase that really stuck out to me was that Jesus was “much displeased.”  I can imagine moments in my own home when I have been too hard on a child—like one who made a mess or wouldn’t get on pajamas or pushed another sibling or did one of another hundred things that little children do sometimes—and the Savior has looked on and been “much displeased” with me.  I certainly am not suggesting that there may not be some discipline needed in some of these circumstances, but there doesn’t have to be any anger involved.  My disobedient child doesn’t need my piercing eyes that tell him he has failed or my sharp tone that makes her cry.  They may need correction, but it must be accompanied by that “increase of love” that the Lord has mandated.  Only then can my children know that my faithfulness and love and devotion to them are indeed “stronger than the cords of death” (D&C 121:44).  In fact, I think the Savior gave us the example in this very passage—we can be “much displeased” with our children for wrongful behavior just as He is sometimes with us.  But that displeasure must come from love for them—as His displeasure certainly was for His disciples as He showed by carefully proceeding to teach them so they understood---and not frustration at being inconvenienced by them. 

                Elder Holland ended his talk with these words: “Brethren, we all know fatherhood is not an easy assignment, but it ranks among the most imperative ever given, in time or eternity.  We must not pull away from our children.  We must keep trying, keep reaching, keep praying, keep listening.  We must keep them ‘within the clasp of our arms.’”  I only pray that I can never forget that charge.