Love and Law

A question from Isaiah has been going through my head today as we have recently struggled with our young children’s tantrums, screaming, accusations, complaining, and overall terrible behavior: “Who hath begotten me these?”  How can these little ones who at times can be such angels showing such incredible love and kindness, turn around in other moments and be so angry and frustrated and blatantly disobedient (Isaiah 49:21)?  In my six-year-old’s case it seems to boil down to a sense of inadequacy and a fear of making mistakes.  She told me the other night in one of her fits and in the midst of her grunting, “I wish I was perfect like Jesus! Then I wouldn’t make any mistakes!”  (She also told me she wished I was like Jesus so I wouldn’t get angry with her.)  When we’ve attempted to correct misbehavior recently, instead of accepting correction she blows up at us.  Then moans about what a terrible person she is and how she’s the “baddest” kid ever.  So I guess our struggle has been to teach her and help her improve herself and her actions without letting her feel down and discouraged and depressed.  How can we help her feel our love while still teaching her to overcome negative behaviors? 

                This struggle reminds me of Elder Oaks’ talk entitled Love and Law from several years ago when he spoke about the love of God and the laws of God and how the two are not contradictory.  He said, “The love of God does not supersede His laws and His commandments, and the effect of God’s laws and commandments does not diminish the purpose and effect of His love. The same should be true of parental love and rules.”  In other words, having rules as parents that our children might not like is not an indication that we don’t love them, but at the same time we must not forget to show great love even when behavior does not match expectations.  Elder Oaks said, “Every parent knows that you can love a child totally and completely while still being creatively angry and disappointed at that child’s self-defeating behavior.”  At the same time, though, he reminded us, “Just as God has bestowed some gifts on all of His mortal children without requiring their personal obedience to His laws, parents provide many benefits… even if their children are not in total harmony with all parental requirements.”  Our Father in Heaven gives many blessings unconditionally to His children; as King Benjamin reminded us, God “is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will” (Mosiah 2:21).  So as parents we have the difficult task of balancing discipline with love, of correcting improper behavior while still ensuring our children know of their infinite worth.  According to Elder Oaks, “That is a matter for parental wisdom, guided by the inspiration of the Lord. There is no area of parental action that is more needful of heavenly guidance or more likely to receive it than the decisions of parents in raising their children and governing their families. This is the work of eternity.”

                I think in my case with my daughter one of the missing pieces in my own parenting is showing the kind of unearned love that our Father in Heaven does.  I know that we can’t give up on trying to correct her and help her make better choices, but that doesn’t mean I can’t show forth an increase of love in other situations when we aren’t battling misbehavior.  Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the mindset of “earning” rewards—which certainly has its place at times—that I don’t focus enough on simply loving and serving my children in ways that show that their self-worth is not dependent upon their actions.  They must always know that my own love for them is “stronger than the cords of death” even when they don’t behave as they know they should (D&C 121:44).