Seek First to Understand

In a recent Come, Follow Me podcast Dr. Michael Goodman discussed the interchange between David and Michal recorded in 2 Samuel 6. In this story Michal accused David of “shamelessly” uncovering himself “in the eyes of the handmaids” when he danced and brought up the ark of the covenant, and David responded defensively and hurtfully: “And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight” (v20-22). Dr. Goodman commented, “And so in this case, if David and his wife would have sought to understand what the other person was thinking and feeling and why, and empathized with the real, even if there was some parts of that that weren't based on what you intended, just by feeling understood it lowers the temperature, and then allows couples to begin to talk through issues in a way that leads to what most of us ultimately experience, but without all the pain.” He reminded us of one of the statements from Steven Covey: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Clearly neither David nor Michal did this but instead both accused the other, and their damaged relationship was soured even further from their hurtful words to each other.  

In the podcast they also highlighted how Lehi’s interchange with Sariah recorded in 1 Nephi 5 models the proper behavior in this kind of situation. After Lehi and Sariah left into the wilderness with their families, Lehi sent the four boys back up to Jerusalem on their own to get the plates. When they didn’t return as expected, Sariah understandably worried and mourned that she had lost her sons. She “had complained against my father, telling him that he was a visionary man; saying: Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness.” Lehi could have responded defensively like David, telling her that she had no right to criticize him and that he was just doing what the Lord had asked and that it wasn’t in his control if they hadn’t come back, etc. But instead he showed her first that he understood her pain and validated her struggle: “I know that I am a visionary man; for if I had not seen the things of God in a vision I should not have known the goodness of God, but had tarried at Jerusalem, and had perished with my brethren.” There was no argument in his reply or criticism of her; rather he agreed with her description of him and then sought to explain why that had led him to do what he did. He then sought to reassure her: “I know that the Lord will deliver my sons out of the hands of Laban, and bring them down again unto us in the wilderness.” Nephi recorded, “After this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother, Sariah, concerning us, while we journeyed in the wilderness up to the land of Jerusalem” (1 Nephi 5:1-6). Lehi could have easily chosen to be offended by Sariah’s criticisms of him, but instead he sought to understand her point of view and respond with love and comfort. She had not seen the visions he had or received the revelations he had received, and surely as he considered this fact he had empathy for her position and feelings as a mother worried for her children.

These stories encourage us to be more understanding towards those around us and especially towards those whom we love. David’s son Solomon prayed for what we should all desire: “Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people.” Because of this desire the Lord said to him, “I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart” (1 Kings 3:9,12). Solomon similarly encouraged all of us to seek understanding with these words: “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7). This was referring to the understanding needed to judge the people as their ruler, and that same kind of understanding which helped Solomon discern the true mother of a disputed child is needed in all our relationships. In our most important interactions with others we should seek to develop the kind of understanding that Lehi had instead of the defensiveness that David displayed.