Without Compulsory Means

In the sixth chapter of his book Heart of the Matter, President Nelson told how one evening after a long day he was trying to put his children to bed and starting giving orders to his four-year-old daughter. He recounted, “I probably sounded like a drill sergeant. That is when our daughter cocked her head to one side, looked at me with her big brown eyes, and asked, ‘Daddy, do you own me?’” Of course, the answer was no, and this anecdote is a reminder that we shouldn’t try to rule our children with commands. Instead, the ideal in parenting is described in scriptural terms this way: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-42). That is a challenging list to live up to amidst the day-to-day stresses of family life and raising children! President Nelson commented, “Children are indeed ‘an heritage of the Lord,’ and we have been commanded to raise them in light and truth. However, no parent is perfect at this. Parenting is arguably the toughest—and most important—job on earth. As parents, we get tired, lose our patience, struggle to understand what our children need, and get worn down by dealing with the same problems again and again. However, we can try our best, and then try again. To weary parents, I say, just keep going, and pray for strength and wisdom to shepherd your children with love. The eventual rewards will be immeasurable.” And so, despite the setbacks and the mistakes, as parents we keep striving to live up to this ideal given by the Lord.

                Perhaps the most important verse in this revelation is the one that follows the above passage and instructs us how to give correction: “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.” I looked up the word sharpness in the 1828 dictionary, and the first two definitions include “keenness of an edge or point” and “not obtuseness” and I believe that was what was meant here by this word (and not the meaning “painfulness” which is also listed). In other words, to reprove with sharpness is to do so with exactness and clarity. We reprove with specifics concerning a particular action (i.e., “in this situation you did this thing which was not correct”) instead of using a generic reproof (i.e., “you are always so mean and obnoxious”). The reproofs we give, especially towards are children, should be about specific things and never general summary statements about who they are or what they “always” do. I believe that’s what the Lord wanted to convey with the word sharpness. And, of course, the most important part about this verse is what should come after but too often does not: “Showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved.” That can be especially hard to remember, especially when the fatigue of parenting gets in the way of feeling that love. I have one child in particular who after getting in trouble or seeing that his parents are frustrated will say something like this in sorrow, “I am just a bad kid!” That is certainly not the message we ever want our correction to convey to our children; instead, we want them to know that we are “full of charity” towards them, that our “faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death” and that they are of infinite worth in our eyes no matter what they do. Ultimately, we do not “own” our children; the Lord has given them to our care to nurture and love and guide, and instead of seeking control we should seek for this verse to describe us and our relationship with them: “The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:43-46).